It has been over a year since I sat down and typed a post. They typically come in seasons of major growth and change throughout my life. As I looked back over the past posts I have typed, I realized I have been battling the same thing. Insecurity. From my past until now, I have made major improvements but I have not YET been able to defeat it. I know that I WILL overcome this, and this time I am closer then ever. I am typing this post as a reminder of some important lessons to myself and to others that may be struggling with the same thing. I hope someone can find some encouragement from this.
I have struggled with insecurity my entire life. I never felt good enough. Never felt that I could make others happy. Never felt that I was lovable. I felt used when people wanted to be in my life. I spent years thinking I was broken and unfixable. I put more and more walls around my heart and never wanted to allow people in. I threw myself into school, work, a relationship full heartedly in order to fulfill my unhappiness. (Do not get me wrong I am a very hard worker and take pride in my work and the strong friendship bonds I have but it is not a solution to insecurity) I did not even realize what I was doing when I made these choices but looking back onto it I do. Even in the times that I did feel good about myself, I was to paranoid about coming off as conceited or I was to busy worrying about other people that I forgot to worry about my own emotional health.
Each time I tried to overcome the insecurities, they seemed to always come crawling back. Looking back now, it was more like putting a band-aid on a deeper cut down in me. My inseurity has led me to some of the darkest place where I was sucidial and brought me to some of my highest points in Wyoming where I learned who I really am.
Once I learned who I was, a battle in my mind started. The same one I had in some of the darkest parts of my high school career when I conquered insecurity in my friendships. I see myself in two ways. I see a broken, wounded person and I see a amazing, healed version. It seemed that the broke, wounded person crushed the amazing person down each day. That it controlled my emotions and thoughts. I felt out of control of myself and how I responded to situations. Until this week, I was unable to put into words how I felt or what was going on. I hurt people along the way. I hurt myself along the way. I was miserable.
Three weeks ago, I hit a breaking point and now that I finally am free from the stresses of school, I have been spending a lot of time digging deeper into who I am and what causes me to feel the way I do. I’ve spent about four hours each day reading and journaling trying to see where my issue stems from. I am only on day four & I have already had a major breakthrough.
By doing this, I realized all of issues came from my past.(which I have known all along). But what I did not realize is that I was not taking responsibility for them. I was victimizing myself to others past actions. Yes my past caused me to build some walls up to protect myself. I tore myself down for years, because if I tear myself down then no one else could say something to hurt me is the mindset I had. My attempts to protect myself as a child has now distanced me from accepting love as an adult. I have trained myself to see myself so negatively in my mind that I forgot to learn to love myself along the way.
“Although your childhood experiences may have caused you much pain and created your false beliefs and resulting behavior, those beliefs and behavior are now yours. Your thoughts that come from your beliefs – not the past – are what cause much of your current pain.”-Inner Bonding
Like I said, I have conquered the part of knowing who I am in a positive mindset but I have not conquered the part of not letting that part of me get destroyed daily by my thoughts.
Today I finally take responsibility for my emotions, for how I feel about myself. Yes, some bad, unfortunate situations have happened in my past but I choose to internalize it the way I did. I choose to let it build walls around my heart. I am not blaming myself for every situation or looking at this as it is all me. I am looking at it in a way that I need to step up and be responsible for my feelings. I need to wake up every morning and bring the positive side of me out.
The best analogy I have ever heard was to hang a white canvas on my wall and each day look at it and remind myself that I get to choose what words to paint on it. I get to choose what version of myself paints that painting that day. To remember that if I do have a bad day, or a bad situation happens that I get to start fresh the next morning.
I am ready to deal with every past pain/emotion and deal with them. To change my mindset from negativity to positivity. To see myself as the beautiful, independent, understanding, loving, caring, hardworking, amazing, sweet, determined, fearless person I really am. The one that is going to make an amazing mother and wife. The one that will be a better daughter, sister, and friend. The person God sees and has created me to be. The one that can finally accept the love everyone has tried to give me my entire life.
“You are altogether beautiful, my love; there is no flaw in you.” -Song of Solomon 4:7
I encourage anyone that is reading this that struggles with insecurity deep down to start thinking about how you may have internalized things different than they were ever meant to be. How at the end of the day we are responsible for our actions. It is not an easy road to take, but remember that we are strong and courageous and can overcome all challenges.
“But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us”- Romans 8:37